WTF, Match? My First Month of Match Adventures…

I haven’t blogged in a while – been a bit busy the last month: my son turned 11, I published my first book, I completed my 2nd masters and am defending my thesis this week, and finally, after two years of unemployment/underemployment I got a full time job!  Also, I had to go see Star Trek Into Darkness three more times (total of four viewings so far…and probably not done) and Man of Steel once (so far….).   And in between all that exciting activity, I signed up for a Match.com account.  Yes. I did.  And so far…

deanclosingcomputer

I have been single for two years (you may have noticed the similar time span as the events above. Yes: I was laid off, my marriage ended, and I lost my house all within the same three-month time span two years ago (let’s not talk about 2011 though).  I figured that because things seemed to be starting to move again in my life, maybe I should, you know, “get out there.”  I was inspired by one of my author heroines, Anne Lamott, who said her year on Match wasn’t so bad. I can do this too!

ClintYes

But after a month… WTF, Match? I know I’m not like some super-match candidate, but come on.  It could possibly be my weird age group. Being a GenXer can be a little awkward these days – we are in our (early!) 40’s but still think we are the young ones in society.  I’m stuck right in that too-old-for-OkCupid-too-young-for-OurTime stage.  Available men in my age group seem to either not use Match or Match feels this sort of thing might be attractive to me:

He shares the same birth month!
Like you, he’s not a smoker.
You are both social drinkers!

Wow, Match.  Way to pick three solid bases for a dating candidate!  I especially like the exclamation point !!! after the fact that we might have social drinking in common.

Cheers

Then there are the self-descriptions.  Evidently men my age are far more verbose than I have been led to believe (by my own 11 year marital experience or by popular culture). They LOVE to talk about themselves! Match clearly says to keep it brief, but these self descriptions are like page-long novellas.

…ain’t nobody got time for that.

Also they love camping.  LOTS of camping. Oh and anything outdoorsy. Hiking, camping, swimming, beaches, camping, windsurfing, camping…

Now, I’m always up for a great hike.  My last hike was at Lake Tahoe, and it was beautiful!  But I stopped camping a while ago… after, oh, I gave birth.  After that experience, I decided for myself the one small thing I could do for myself was that I would do everything possible to sleep in comfortable beds from then on.  Giving birth doesn’t really have anything to do with camping or even comfortable beds, but frack on a rack, give me a break – don’t I deserve a comfy bed?

hellyesgiv

I’m not sure what the attraction men my age have to the outdoors at such an intense level.  Perhaps it’s some sort of conventional wisdom that tells men over 35 that they appear more vigorous and young if they are windsurfing?  Not sure – but my bio indicates nothing that would lead Match to believe (in any logical algorithm) that I would enjoy extended periods of time accumulating sun burns, bug bites and/or poison ivy. … What? Too anti-nature? Sue me.

what

I’m not too proud to admit it, yes, I’m an indoor geek.  I do enjoy the city life, and while I have nothing against the country…or the outside in general… Is there not ONE match to be found with someone who would prefer a good game of Castle Panic or a Star Trek marathon to extreme ultra endurance base jumping?

stormtrooper

The most disturbing discovery so far though: they seem to love giving back rubs.  Not kidding. By my count, at least 3 out of every 4 “matches” Match.com comes up with for me are super into back rubs.

Idontlikeit

I’m sorry but I would rather go on a first date NOT knowing you creepily want to invade my personal space.  Not that I’m against physical contact – I don’t have THAT bad of social anxiety – but come on.  Just thinking that someone believes their best advertising point is back rubs just gives me the creepazoid shivers.

Here are some other ones that made my top ten of Nope (spelling original):

I would love to listen..I’m not an alcolholic, I’m not a felon, and I’m not a jerk to women..I’m a pretty normal guy and very easy to get along with…

thumbsup

Oh and here’s a great one that I think is supposed to be meaningful and intuitive…but I’m not sure (spelling original, again):

I am a rock, loyal, compassionate, expressive, intuative, and I am ever delving for development as a person. I still maintain those warm feelings created by a snowy Christmas Eve; my heart is young. My contingincies are few. Nice is what comes to mind foremost. I look for someone who can expand my horizons of understanding what is all around us.

IceCube

This one makes it clear that I have my work cut out for me:

Sultry music, like Norah Jones or Adele, works for me. I’m not much of a dancer, but when properly motivated I’m up for most anything. If you make it fun, I’m there.

While I can sometimes (rarely) be in a mood to love me some Norah or Adele, this is usually me in the car:   

DeanCarDrums

So sorry, not gonna be able to do the heavy work on that slow dancing for ya.

Just to wrap up this little session, I got this doozy sent to me today:

I find it sexy when a woman is articulate and can have a conversation. It is surprising at how many people actually don’t do well at that.

no, no, no...

Look, I’m not that complicated. I am not super young, but I’ve got a few things to recommend me. No, I don’t camp. But I do know the words to Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger” — so there’s that.

I’m just not quite convinced Match has this whole “matching” thing down.

highlevelsofbs

Maybe I don’t need to use this Match thing!  My life is fulfilling! I can fill my time with more interesting things! 

I wonder if I have any new blue links on reddit…

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